It was month of July, 2001.The students of my class were noisy as always when suddenly a newbie entered the classroom with our class teacher.She was introduced and the teacher called top 5 students of the class to help her complete her work. I was among those top 5. Thus, during recess we all went to her to ask about her, and her doubts. We soon became good friends. I must say she was brilliant as well as very active in class, in studies as well as in sports. I considered myself way behind her. But I was satisfied with myself as I used to do work with all that I could.
The tests started. I was good in science related subjects so I was confident and comfortable in scoring high marks in them. The results were out. I did better than her in all these subjects( science and related) but overall she topped the class. I was happy to see a newcomer being the topper in the first attempt itself. It encouraged me to do more hard work. I went to applaud her for her achievement. After all, we were good friends. But she looked more disappointed and surprised with her results, eventually saw my some of the marks and went away. I was baffled. I thought about the matter but could not understand it.
The mid terms approached.My score was better than previous time but she topped again. I again went to her to congratulate but she went away without saying a word. We had not talked since the day of previous test's result.I wondered what happened again. She had a very furious look when she saw me approaching her. From that day she started ignoring me and even all of her friends. I realized that this had begun since the day I got few marks more than her. But I could not understand if this was the matter as she was the topper till now. I was annoyed and did not care much about the matter
I was confused with this matter until something staggering happened. I managed to top the class( which was unbelievable). Parents were called to meet up to show papers in front of them. I went with my father and sister. We were going through my mistakes when I heard a voice," Show me all of your papers!". It was her and she sounded so demanding and rude. My sister and father were astonished. But I kept my nerve and gave her the papers. After all , I still considered her as my friend(though I was not sure on her part). Her mother took those papers, and went straight to the class teacher and started arguing why her daughter had got less marks than him. The girl was also involved. The class teacher gave a simple remark," She has got marks for what she has written, same is with Shivam".
I felt very bad to think of this as a reason of all things happened till now.I was agitated and keeping my nerve, went to ask the papers and came back. I apologized to my father and sister for such embarrassment in class. I even thought of never talking to her and could no longer continue my friendship.
I still cannot find any way to overcome that interpersonal conflict , if it occurs again. What could be better way to deal with such situations? I wonder I would know this at that time. After all, its the outcome of such situation which best describes one's diligence and ability to behave in a proper way.
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ReplyDeleteHi Shivam,
ReplyDeleteThat is some sick competition man. Hopefully you haven't encountered as bad a situation in the local context. In any case you mention it was grade V(primary 5 here i think) which is a really tender age and you haven't talked to her since. What I feel is that at that age where EQ levels are still raw and undeveloped mostly, she was probably majorly influenced by her mother. She could have been just acting on orders from the mom even though she felt uneasy doing so. Which makes it all the more sadder actually. If you ever have the chance to meet up with her again, try bringing it up albeit in a light hearted manner. You never know she might laugh about it too. If she doesn't then maybe staying away might be the best option haha.
I highly doubt such exact situations would arise again(i.e getting the parents involved) maybe in other forms yes. What I'd probably do is take the higher road, be gracious in spite of the other party's best efforts to provoke/ ignore. I'm sure they'd be puzzled when you don't react after which explaining your reasons for doing so might knock some sense into them.
You were definitely complete and clear in your writing but maybe compromised on the conciseness. I know it's difficult especially in such a story telling post(I'm guilty of it too) but maybe reading Alvin's and May's posts would help. Grammar wise, I think there are improvements from the first post but still some details to iron out(e.g 4th para 2nd line 'I again went to congratulate her' would have been more appropriate)
That's all for now. Seeya in a few hours!
Hi Shivam!
ReplyDeleteMy goodness, I thought such things only happened in movies! Your classmate's behaviour can be summed up in one word: obnoxious. I was quite taken aback by the whole incident while reading through your post actually, but upon reading Vinod's take on it...particularly the suggestion that she might have simply been acting on her parent's training/inculcated values in behaving the way she did...I reconsidered my negative opinions of your classmate.
And yes, I agree that in these kinds of situations the best way to react is to be gracious; to maintain your cool and integrity regardless of how horribly others might be behaving. After all, things would get nowhere if you stooped to her level (see, she was trying SO HARD behind your back and yet didn't manage to 'beat' you...while you were largely unaffected by -and pretty oblivious to- it; the only one bearing all the spite and bitter ill-feeling was her).
Hi Shivam,
ReplyDeleteYour account is also relevant in Singapore's "kiasu" society! I personally encountered such cases right from the start of my primary school days. For me, I have seen classmates being overly competitive in their results, to the point they get jealous very easily. Sometimes, jealousy leads to hatred, and in your case it seems like your classmate was "furious" at you out-performing her.
I guess what you did was right. You remained humble. I feel there is absolutely no way to please her, unless you are willing to settle for a lower grade on purpose, which is ridiculous!
I agree with Vinod's point that you continue to be gracious and humble in whatever you do. Afterall, when dealing with such people, it is always wise to be the one who compromise. :)
Hi Shivam,
ReplyDeleteWhat a sad story on competition!
I agree with Vinod that we should always be gracious and behave in the best way we could. Also, we could not will others to like us or make friends with us. You have done your part to be friendly.
However, my guess is that your congratulations were perhaps taken negatively by that girl. She might decode your message as being arrogant and sarcastic. "Oh, congratulations for your high grades!"one might say with a smile. But for the defeated, this message is not nice to hear. So, the morale of the story could be that we need to be very careful when we, as the winner, congratulate or cheer up the defeated couterparts.
Shivam,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this episode from your childhood. You describe it in great detail, painting a fairly clear picture of the girl and yourself at that age, of the developing situation and the eventual incident, where your father and sister were present as well as the girl and her mother.
Like Vinod, I doubt of such a situation will ever arise again for you since this is very much a "school" thing, with the marks being shared with the parents. So your question doesn't seem to be realistic in the context of the current stage of your life.
But as XiXi notes, the issue here is the pride or humility that one shows when one is declared a winner. That might be the better question: how can one graciously accept accolades in the face of those who have not?
It seems to me that as that 5th grader, you did very well.
This post has generated lots of discussion. Much appreciated!
@Vinod: Thanks for pointing out grammar mistakes. I am working to make my posts more concise.
ReplyDelete@Alicia, May, Vinod and Alvin: Vinod's point of being gracious and humble and keep my integrity and nerve are the best way to tackle such situations. (Though I myself not be knowing about such terms that time.It was a very natural behaviour (: )
@Xi Xi: Well your perspective is also a very good possibility. The way I congratulated her might be a very sarcastic comment for her (which surely I was not intended to make). I think I should have privately asked her about the matter rather than keeping to myself or remaining calm.
ReplyDeleteThis would have cleared the matter. Thanks for the suggestion.
@Brad: I totally agree with your point of view and now I think the question which you and Xi Xi put up would be a better question to ask from audience as this situation won't be repeated again however your question still remains a topic of discussion.
ReplyDeleteThanks
Hi Shivam,
ReplyDeleteWhat a dramatic episode of your life! This is a worst case of "Kia Su-ism". This is a very tough situation to be in. Competitiveness can often strain relationships. In this case, it's more like her competitiveness than a competition between both of you. I think what you should have done is to talk to her on the first time you encounter her grumpy face. You could just go up to her like "how have you been in study?" and have a little chat with her, telling her that you only want to do my best and I hope you too. It does not matter who wins, I am really happy with you if you do well. Nevertheless, you have to be very careful with your facial expression because she might take it as you mocking her.
On the narrative part, you did a great job painting the scenario and characters. You did it quite concisely and vividly. The use of sentence variation is well done. Short sentences for a sudden meaning like "the test started" and "I was baffled." It is a sudden emotion which you bring across with a short sentence structure. A long sentences are used for a descriptive sentences. Nevertheless, some of the sentences could have been shortened, a little redundant. Examples:
-"something like this occurred for the first time in my life. " could be "this first occurred to me." It is shorter which better brings across the emotion of the sentence.
-"But she looked more disappointed and surprised with her results, eventually saw my some of the marks and went away." This is a fragment. My teacher always told me to be careful of using BUT to start a sentence. In using BUT to start, the reverse of the sentence should make sense. However, there is a lack of subject in this case.
Anyways, I like your writing style. The varying sentences length is very important in story telling. Other than that, it is a well-written essay. Thank you for your post.
Cheers,
Billet
@Billet: Thanks a lot man for those suggestions. I have already worked upon that. You are right about approaching her first. I must have done that. :(
ReplyDelete